As the regulars on here are all too aware, there are few things that I hate more than cheap upvc shop signage designed by a muppet with a rudimentary grasp of photoshop…

Charlie Brooker summed it up all so nicely…

Shop signs have never been uglier. A stroll down the high street has turned into optical torture

Charlie Brooker The Guardian, Monday 23 April 2007

I live in a town you may have heard of. It is called London. In many ways, it is a great place — excellent local amenities, a giant ferris wheel, and more than a few famous faces (Toby Anstis lives here, as does that woman off Holby City — you know, the nursey one). But there is a downside, too. London — like many other places — has a cancer; an unwelcome phenomenon that has been gradually spreading over the past decade, and is now reaching saturation point. I am talking, of course, about modern laser-printed uPVC retail signage.
Shop fronts have never been uglier. I am not talking about the big chains here — they have spent millions designing their logos. They tend to look crisp and clean and, occasionally, even demure. I have got nothing against, say, Nando’s. No, I am annoyed by the little guy — the pound shops, the cheapo grocers, the off-licences and the takeaways with their horrid, shrieking signs. Frankly, I could not give a toss if Tesco bulldozed the lot of them and turned the entire nation into one huge supermarket. At least there would be some typographic consistency.

A few years ago, shopkeepers had three basic options: 1) paint the store front yourself; 2) hire a professional to paint it for you; 3) buy some metal or plastic lettering and screw it over the door. Now, there is a fourth option: get a bunch of clueless, cut-price bastards to design a banner on a computer in six minutes flat, stretch it to fit and print it out using some hideous modern laserjet device filled with waterproof inks the colour of sick.

As a result, we live in a cluttered optical hell of carelessly stretched-and-squashed typefaces and colour schemes that clash so violently they give you vertigo. Stroll down the average high street and it is like being assailed by gaudy pop-ups on the internet. It makes your eyes want to spin inward and puke down their own sockets.

As if thoughtless font abuse were not enough, some signs even incorporate scanned photographs; a garish snap of some glistening meat surrounded by a yellow Photoshop “haze” effect, hovering over an electric blue background, flanked by the words KEBAB DUNGEON in bright red, foot-high Comic Sans crushed to 75% of its usual width. Jesus. Why not just punch me in the face and have done with it?

The overall effect is depressing and disorientating. One computer-assisted eyesore after another, jostling for position, kicking good taste in the nuts. Surely this is more than the human mind can process? I would not be at all surprised to discover that the local crime rate rises each time one of these poxy signs go up. It is enough to put almost anyone in a bad mood.

That is not just idle speculation. Well, all right, it is. But there is little doubt that environment affects mood. That is why we tend to paint our bedroom walls soothing, neutral, off-white shades as opposed to frantic lime green with Day-Glo orange swastikas. When I walk the streets of the tiny Oxfordshire village in which I grew up, my mind feels clearer. I can concentrate in a way that simply isn’t possible in London, where my subconscious is too busy trying to filter out the billboards and the lettering and the POUNDLAND ANY ITEM £1 OR LESS.

Laser-printed uPVC shop signs are an atrocity. A sanctioned act of vandalism. They should be outlawed or, at the very least, be put through some kind of approval process in which a panel of graphic designers inspects each proposed sign, rejecting those with squashed typography or obnoxious colour schemes.

Something has got to be done because it is only going to get worse. You know what will be coming next: animated shop signs with moving “wallpaper” backgrounds. Storefronts resembling god-awful homepages from 1998. Row upon row of them. Visual bedlam wherever you turn. Two months of that and our cities are going to be over-run with screaming maniac gangs; hitherto law-abiding citizens driven insane without knowing why, like the demented hordes from 28 Days Later.

It is your fault, shopkeepers. It is your ugly font-abusing fault.

@ everyone: what are the current campaigns in camberwell?
would any one of you be up for getting most up-to-date info on the campaigns as this could be a good starting point?

The extension to the East London Line through Denmark Hill has got the go ahead. Camberwell is going to be on the tube map!

Liliana — sounds like good works. I agree with Mumu that a presence from local representatives/decisions makers is very helpful at such meetings, and that when an issue is made public, it is difficult to ignore.

Just to emphasise the importance of unity — if the various groups involved can coalesce around a single strategy prior to meetings, it would be more positive. We need to recognise that certain community claims compete with each other, and compromise to build a consensus that cannot be ignored.

I support loveburgesspark’s wish to (1) protect public quality of space and (2) address parking issues. Practically, these are the issues through which Camberwell can be transformed.

The visitor parking needs of local shops (such as Carnell as it was, and Whitehall Clothiers) are important, else we will inhabit ghost towns. There is a certain type of parking outsider (the commuter to work, the van man ‘avin’ a sarnie) that we can all agree to exclude to our mutual benefit.

I would hope that there is not another councillors’ “crackdown on cyclists”, remembering that far more people are killed by cars on pavements than cyclists anywhere — Camberwell New Road 2007 a case in point, with pavement parking a massive problem throughout SE5. Pavement safety should be a general campaign which includes more protection for cyclists on the roads, at the same time as securing the sanctity of pedestrian space on pavements. The latter should not occur without the former — both are important.

It is all very well for 30, 50 or even 100 people to gather together and agree on a problem but if the local authority councillors and officers do not attend nothing will change.

A problem I perceive of local groups is that they are not linked in with the council/ Transport for London/ the Greater London Authority which are the bodies that can actually bring about change.

It is vital that representatives from these organisations attend any meeting. Therefore formal letters need to be sent — play to politicians fears and emphasise how many people are affected and concerned, people who actually elect them to serve. It is also worth encouraging informal approaches by voters in their areas — if enough electors send emails asking if they will be attending they will feel compelled to go. But link in with the council/ GLA to make sure that the event does not clash with an existing meeting (eg full council. mayors scrutiny committee etc as these will always take priority)

Also get the press involved — we have two local papers, the South London Press and Southwark News that run a stream of depressing stories about the area, brief them and get reporters along to cover the issue and what the people of Camberwell suggest will be the solution to the problem — this also links in with influencing politicians as they are very aware of local press coverage.